Sunday, December 23, 2018

Rand Paul Rages In Epic Festivus Tweetstorm: "Thanks To Trump, We're All Saying Merry Christmas Again"


Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has ended 2018 with his annual "Festivus" Tweetstorm - roasting Washington DC in an epic fashion using the Seinfeld-created holiday tradition's "Airing of Grievances" (which is of course followed by Feats of Strength). 

Paul starts off his 25-tweet sermon looking for Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA).

I came to say Happy #Festivus to my friend Elizabeth Warren. Cant find her.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

From there, Paul says it's "time to talk" about certain people in Washington he has grievances with, "because it's the holiday season." 

"Let’s start with POTUS I like the President, I honestly do. I know people don’t believe me. But the man seems to have a problem keeping staff around him. But they solved the problem. I went to the White House the other day and there were at least 14 ppl in Mick Mulvaney masks."

Mick is a good friend of mine, in fact a lot of people probably don’t remember he was the national co-chair for my Presidential campaign. Uh oh, probably just got him fired.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Paul then notes that due to the passage of criminal justice reform, "and coming home from wars," that he must have a lot of influence on Trump. "It it true," Paul states. "I'm on the phone with him a good amount. But I have to tell you, I haven't gotten a word in on him in over a year." 

Jared Kushner was up next, whom Paul is glad he "got to know," because "before that I was a bit suspicious he was the kid for the Omen movie all grown up."

And folks, that is NOT who you want in charge of your Middle East peace plans.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Turning to Trump's border wall - Paul had a suggestion to improve security: 

It will be quite lovely really. And It was on sale for $99, so we can open the government back up now.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Next, the good Senator from Kentucky turned to Congress - noting that things "were so bad this week they made my friend Mike Lee say "doggone". It was nuts." 

Congress has now decided to shut down the government because they aren’t spending enough money. I got suspicious when Ted Cruz came back from Thanksgiving break with that beard.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Lindsey Graham (R-SC) got the treatment next - with Paul joking of Graham's penchant for conflict "I have to tell you; I haven’t seen a Senator who loves war this much since the Star Wars Prequels."

I have to tell you; I haven’t seen a Senator who loves war this much since the Star Wars Prequels.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

"Lindsay and I were on the same side on foreign policy for about 5 minutes a few weeks ago, regarding the Saudis. He said it was a sign of “end times”. I guess we are all gonna live a bit longer after all," Paul added. 

On the topic of outgoing Secretary of Defense James Mattis, Paul noted "Many of these people hold these two views: 1 - that it was horrible to leave the war in Syria and 2 - that it is horrible that General Mattis left, since he was what kept the President from starting WWIII or something. I don’t understand how you hold both of those views."


Paul offered brief condolences to the neocons - as their rag, The Weekly Standard just folded, and Trump just made a decidedly anti-Neocon move with the Syria withdrawal. "I really think their holiday is already bad enough, I don't want to pile on," Paul said. 

Except - when it comes to National Security adviser John Bolton: 

I opposed John Bolton being hired. But I really can’t think of anything that makes me happier then thinking of him having to end wars for the rest of his time in the White House.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

I hear they’re piping this into his office now for the entire Christmas season. .

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018

Paul ends by saying that he and Democrat Cory Booker (NJ) actually found mutual ground on a few issues - such as hemp legalization and criminal justice reforms, which must be "a Festivus miracle because Congress passed and the President signed BOTH of those things this week." 

So everyone enjoy your feats of strength today. Air your grievances here or in your home. But remember, thanks to Donald Trump we are ALL saying Merry Christmas this year — so repeat after me: MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY HOLIDAYS to everyone even the haters and losers.

— Senator Rand Paul (@RandPaul) December 23, 2018